Oh, my god. I'm in love with a 40 year old man.
I sat in my chair as I let this thought run its course through my mind, just like I had let other thoughts do so before, and especially this weekend, when I kept telling myself, you can't have everything you want. I had let the thought sit in the back of my skull as I leaned back against a bookshelf, waiting for it to engulf my body and soul with sadness and grudging acceptance. My throat felt like it had ten thousand fire ants crawling through it. I waited.